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Sex Play Versus Sex Performance

Sex is my favorite form of adult play (second is adult swim!). Far too often, we can get stuck in the performance of sex versus the playfulness sex can be.

And when this happens, sex can feel far from playful. Here are two strategies for bringing playfulness into your sexy time experience.

Dirty Talk

Communication is a key component during any sexual encounter and this can include using dirty talk to build arousal. The thought of dirty talk can make people immediately feel like their acting, on performance, and all they feel is stage fright. But it’s more about finding your own style of dirty talk. 

Tips for creating your own style of dirty talk: 

  • Think about how you like to describe your body. What makes you feel turned on or sexy? Try to describe your partner’s body this way, too. 
  • What words excite you or make you feel aroused? 
  • What sexual activities do you like to do? Describe this activity to your partner. Use your dirty talk inside and outside the bedroom. 
  • Find inspiration for your dirty talk and experiment to find what works the best for you.  Remember, you’re playing so you don’t have to be perfect. 

Try this: 

  • Explain what you are about to do with your partner. 
  • Describe what you are doing or what it feels like. 
  • Describe what you just did

Pleasure Focus

During sexplay activities focus on enjoying the pleasurable experiences rather than focusing on your performance. Stimulate pleasurable touch throughout your experience with yourself or your partner and focus on the sensations you feel: 

  • Is it warm/cool? Is it smooth/rough? Is it wet? Is it soft? 
  • Maintain a focus on the sensations experienced to increase your pleasure 

Focus on building anticipation inside and outside of the bedroom (examples: hugging, kissing, cuddling, laughing, sharing time together, etc.) 

Lead by example during these activities, touch your partners’ body the way you want your body to be touched.

Think of ways to make yourself feel sexier this may include: 

  • Reading erotic books, watching erotic films, wearing lingerie, taking a warm bath/shower, etc. 
  • Be open to experimenting with new routines and ideas related to sexual activity to find what works best for yourself and your partner

If this or any other part of these suggestions feel like they’d be hard to implement, perhaps you’d be interested in sexual wellness counseling to work through these suggestions specific & authentic to you!  

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